pact

 

you told me once that you liked

when i could feel your sadness

because then you werent the only one 

who wanted to die

but here i am

all these years later

still feeling the sadness

even though you no longer are

existinal crisis

 

bring me home from the moon

even here i'm afraid to get the help i need

i'm thinking about leaving the earth too soon

me

 how do you cope

when the weight of the world

is you?

together, alone

 my mum

tells me she knows

i have panic attacks

and tells me, she does too.

and instead of telling each other

we should go and get help

we acknowledge each other and

i change the conversation

two birds one stone (reprise)

 we were 16 and

you were my best friend

they told me i was the reason you wanted to kill yourself

and you never denied it

you said you didn't mean it

but you never apologised

you wondered why i never got better

they wondered why i never got better

everyone wondered why i never got better

but how could i ever when this was all i could ever think about

and you never apologised

but they never did either.

we were 18

you were my friend

they told me that what you did was nothing

but you always denied it

you said you didn't mean it

but you never apologised

you wondered why i never got better

they wondered why i never got better

everyone wondered why i never got better

but how could i ever when this was all i could ever think about

and you never apologised

but they never did either.

body forgive me, eating forgive me.

 i still cannot forgive myself

and i do not know why

my friends do not know about my eating disorder

it was never serious enough

i'm sorry that i was never small enough to be anything but a success story

i was just a glow up story.

i still am.

no one believes me

except my other plus sized friend

i am healthier now than i ever was a size 14

and even then

i was still the largest person in the room

i think i am still happy even though i know how the story truly ends

i think i now need help
but i do not know where to go

recovery was there as quickly
as it left again

i cannot turn to bojack horseman
because now i know how it ends

i know the ending but not the
final journey it took to get there

i think this ending through healing
is what is keeping me alive

i know a relapse is just me
rewatching the first season

and that recovery is the
progression to season 5

i guess i am content knowing
how the story ends

if i know in the end
everything might just be alright

i'm still happy not knowing how this story truly ends

i still find myself wondering if
i will ever seek help

i do not need it as much now
i think i finally am actually recovering

but i still do not want to know how it ends
i do not want to see bojack horseman get

better before i truly have
i do not want to see the characters almost

resolve their plotlines before i even
get the chance to figure out mine

maybe this was the point of the end,
to get you thinking about why you haven't

reached your final course to happiness
when the parts of you on the screen have

i'm happy with not knowing how this story truly ends

i like to find solace in things that are indirectly how my life is going

i don't want bojack season 6 cause i am afraid that a fictional horse 

will get better and seek help long before i plan on even thinking about it

i know, somewhere, that making that doctors appointment will help

but i don't want to wallow in self pity about how i should've done this 

sooner. maybe it is easier if i just love a tv show where i find the part of me

in each and every character that i am too afraid of embracing and living

a diet coke

i still feel uncomfortable when i hear the word diet 

i do not drink diet cola as it reminds me too much of the culture

surrounding pumping your body with anything as long as it isnt calories

i still feel uncomfortable when my friends talk about dieting

i have grown to associate diet with starving myself

and being congratulated for the weight loss

i still feel uncomfortable when i see articles about dieting 

it reminds me of when i evaporated dress sizes 

and was lost in the internet wondering why it wasn't faster

i still feel uncomfortable when someone asks me if i've tried a diet

i sometimes now struggle to eat a single meal in a day

and not worry about whether or not it counts as a relapse

i still feel uncomfortable when i think about diets

maybe one day i'll be content in the boy i live in

and i will be comfortable drinking diet cola again

space

i know i take up space
i am overly conscious that i take up too much space

i hate taking up so much space
i look and i know i take up so much space

but i wish i was space
the universe, space

i wish my body held the stars,
the planets and galaxies

in that beautiful way
that the universe does

the beautiful way
that everyone loves

the space that holds galaxies
that are inked onto skin

the space that holds the stars
wished upon each night

the space that continues on
and continues to continue on

maybe i love space so much
because i am jealous

of how beautifully space
continues to exist

when my space is a problem
i have conditioned to hate

maybe one day i will love my body
the same way i love the galaxy

and maybe one day i will love my space
the same way as i love the one above