day one

day one.

it doesn't get harder than day one.

the flooding realisation that you're back here,

after trying so hard.

day one.

when it sinks in that you're back at day one.

when you see yourself 

after trying so hard

girl

 

i still see myself as my parents daughter,

even if i don't see myself that way

and i don't know why but

these feelings get harder everyday.

it's too hard to process feelings, i am

dreaming of a brighter day

i'm sorry i couldn't be

the perfect daughter anyway

blurry

 

i thought i had gotten past it

i thought i had accepted it

but i apparently have not

i had a dream about you again

you still don't have a clear face

but the assault is always clear

and i hate saying it allowed

but i am so tired of living in fear

that i will never be able to love 

spoon theory

i didn't want to want to leave the party 

or cancel the plans again

i didn't plan on going so soon

i just ran out of spoons

weakening

 

i thought i was past

the worst of it

but as always

it came back

but stronger

and there is only

so much strength

i can muster

to make it go away

i am happy with knowing [the bojack horseman series]

  i'm happy with not knowing how this story truly ends

i like to find solace in things that are indirectly how my life is going

i don't want bojack season 6 cause i am afraid that a fictional horse 

will get better and seek help long before i plan on even thinking about it

i know, somewhere, that making that doctors appointment will help

but i don't want to wallow in self pity about how i should've done this 

sooner. maybe it is easier if i just love a tv show where i find the part of me

in each and every character that i am too afraid of embracing and living

--

i'm still happy not knowing how this story truly ends

i still find myself wondering if
i will ever seek help

i do not need it as much now
i think i finally am actually recovering

but i still do not want to know how it ends
i do not want to see bojack horseman get

better before i truly have
i do not want to see the characters almost

resolve their plotlines before i even
get the chance to figure out mine

maybe this was the point of the end,
to get you thinking about why you haven't

reached your final course to happiness
when the parts of you on the screen have

--

i think i am still happy even though i know how the story truly ends

i think i now need help
but i do not know where to go

recovery was there as quickly
as it left again

i cannot turn to bojack horseman
because now i know how it ends

i know the ending but not the
final journey it took to get there

i think this ending through healing
is what is keeping me alive

i know a relapse is just me
rewatching the first season

and that recovery is the
progression to season 5

i guess i am content knowing
how the story ends

if i know in the end
everything might just be alright

--

i think i am still happy even though i know how it reached the end

after 14 months i made myself finish bojack horseman

because i am barely getting through each day.

i hate knowing how my favourite things end

i usually hold onto them with dear life

but for this i finally needed to know

how it got here.

like them i wish i knew

the view from halfway down

i wish i could see where this bump in the road

was taking me towards.

i did not want bojack season 6 because i did 

not want a fictional horse to get better before i did

but in truth he did not get better

and neither did i

i think i find solace in knowing that

recovery is harder than it seems

but maybe this is for the best

because maybe now i can 

do the hokey pokey

and turn it all around. 

i think i am still happy even though i know how it reached the end

 after 14 months i made myself finish bojack horseman

because i am barely getting through each day.

i hate knowing how my favourite things end

i usually hold onto them with dear life

but for this i finally needed to know

how it got here.

like them i wish i knew

the view from halfway down

i wish i could see where this bump in the road

was taking me towards.

i did not want bojack season 6 because i did 

not want a fictional horse to get better before i did

but in truth he did not get better

and neither did i

i think i find solace in knowing that

recovery is harder than it seems

but maybe this is for the best

because maybe now i can 

do the hokey pokey

and turn it all around. 

grasp

 

my friend has been with me every day for the last 15 years

on the days i cannot get out of bed they lay with me

they hold me close by

maybe not always peacefully but i always know they're there

there was something about the way they comforted me

by how they were always there

they felt like home to me

maybe not always happily but i always know they're there

i tell them they are holding me back but they still grab on tight

when we talk about healing they change the topic

they used to be everything to me

maybe not always comfortably, but i always know they're there

i am starting to think that we would be better off apart

so i can start to feel like my own person again

they won't leave me alone

maybe one day they will, but i always know they have been here

the night i tried to end my life

 

there was no soother sound 

than the wind on that saturday night

it was the wake of the end

and it helped me remember that

i am alive

closure

 

i finally took down the photo

with the person who assaulted me off my wall

and whilst i glad it wasn't more

i wish it hadn't happened at all

there is no hope

 

there has to be an easier way to do this

is there any other way to see the end

no other things have worked

hope has almost faded completely