one through nine

again

i relapsed
again

i needed
to feel
again

i had
to follow
my mind
again

i tried
but i
messed up
and hurt myself
again

im sorry
that i
cannot say
anything
but i relapsed
again

i can
only think
about how
i hurt
my body
and progress
again

i don't
know how
to think of
anything but
how i
made myself
hurt
again


i need
to do
anything
but sit
here and
think about
how i
hurt myself
again

bisexuality

i don't know why

but falling in love

with a boy

seemed to be alot scarier

than falling in love with a girl

maybe 

i thought that people

wouldn't believe me

when i said i 

fell in love with a boy

or they wouldn't believe

me when i said

that i could still

fall in love with 

a girl

the fuel that lights the dying fire

i think about death alot

not in a suicide way

okay sometimes in a suicide way

but more of a i could die today way

a what if me leaving the house at this exact second is the reason i die today way

in a what if i leave the house and never return without saying goodbye way

in a i dont know when im going to die and that unknown scares me way

i like the idea that everyone gets one thing

one thing not being a trait about them but instead one instance where death was a very real option

for my mum and uncles it was when they were younger and their house caught on fire

everyone was fine, but if it wasnt for the family dog then both my uncles probably would have died

as a kid fire crippled me

i used to be unable to sleep in my own bed and i had nightmares every night that the house would alight

i used to have a bag packed, when the fire alarm went off i ran outside, covered my ears and cried until it stopped

a few years ago i accidentally set my hair alight on a candle and at that moment i thought i was going to die

for the first time in a nonsuicide way

but i had a second moment

this time in a suicide way

i was crying in the bathroom with the pills in my mouth

new cuts bleeding out

and i thought that was it

maybe that fuelled the fire

that burns inside

and the fear that i will die

that i'm not sure is a fear

but more a worry that i'll die and

never be able to explain the scars

the years of self harm

and the decade of sadness

that i've fought long enough to 

be alive

today 

change

i will never forgive myself

for giving myself 

the scars

that i used

to turn myself into a tiger

so i could try to

let out another

roar

when breathing feels impossible

sometimes
i wonder
if everything
will ever
get better

right now
i'm not
so sure
it can

body

i hope one day
my body will
forgive me

for hurting it
for destroying it
for hating it

i hope one day
i will forgive
my body

for trying
to make myself
bleed

how to breathe and see the sun

they say its like drowning
but how can depression be drowning
when my lungs do not fill with water
when i can still breathe
and i know why

maybe its more like a forcefield
thats stopping me from moving forward
when i can see the sunshine
that i cannot get to
and i don't know why

chain

i
don't know
how
to be free
of
these chains
that
keep
pulling me
down

untitled

i still don't know
what to call
this next chapter
this next life
this next adventure

as i still don't know
where it's going to go

words

i tried
to have all
the right
words

but i
didn't really know
what to
say

forwards

like an arrow
i go back
to hurtle forwards