a diet coke

i still feel uncomfortable when i hear the word diet 

i do not drink diet cola as it reminds me too much of the culture

surrounding pumping your body with anything as long as it isnt calories

i still feel uncomfortable when my friends talk about dieting

i have grown to associate diet with starving myself

and being congratulated for the weight loss

i still feel uncomfortable when i see articles about dieting 

it reminds me of when i evaporated dress sizes 

and was lost in the internet wondering why it wasn't faster

i still feel uncomfortable when someone asks me if i've tried a diet

i sometimes now struggle to eat a single meal in a day

and not worry about whether or not it counts as a relapse

i still feel uncomfortable when i think about diets

maybe one day i'll be content in the boy i live in

and i will be comfortable drinking diet cola again

space

i know i take up space
i am overly conscious that i take up too much space

i hate taking up so much space
i look and i know i take up so much space

but i wish i was space
the universe, space

i wish my body held the stars,
the planets and galaxies

in that beautiful way
that the universe does

the beautiful way
that everyone loves

the space that holds galaxies
that are inked onto skin

the space that holds the stars
wished upon each night

the space that continues on
and continues to continue on

maybe i love space so much
because i am jealous

of how beautifully space
continues to exist

when my space is a problem
i have conditioned to hate

maybe one day i will love my body
the same way i love the galaxy

and maybe one day i will love my space
the same way as i love the one above

pink, purple and blue

love,
ambition,
stability

girls
and
boys

i love
the feeling
of love

2:1

3 years
of sadness
and i finally
achieved
what i have
always
wanted to

today and yesterday

today
and yesterday
are basically the
same day
except yesterday
i was happy
and today
i am not

on falling in love

i often
fall in love
and i always wish
that one day
i will fall in love with
myself instead

one through nine

again

i relapsed
again

i needed
to feel
again

i had
to follow
my mind
again

i tried
but i
messed up
and hurt myself
again

im sorry
that i
cannot say
anything
but i relapsed
again

i can
only think
about how
i hurt
my body
and progress
again

i don't
know how
to think of
anything but
how i
made myself
hurt
again


i need
to do
anything
but sit
here and
think about
how i
hurt myself
again

bisexuality

i don't know why

but falling in love

with a boy

seemed to be alot scarier

than falling in love with a girl

maybe 

i thought that people

wouldn't believe me

when i said i 

fell in love with a boy

or they wouldn't believe

me when i said

that i could still

fall in love with 

a girl

the fuel that lights the dying fire

i think about death alot

not in a suicide way

okay sometimes in a suicide way

but more of a i could die today way

a what if me leaving the house at this exact second is the reason i die today way

in a what if i leave the house and never return without saying goodbye way

in a i dont know when im going to die and that unknown scares me way

i like the idea that everyone gets one thing

one thing not being a trait about them but instead one instance where death was a very real option

for my mum and uncles it was when they were younger and their house caught on fire

everyone was fine, but if it wasnt for the family dog then both my uncles probably would have died

as a kid fire crippled me

i used to be unable to sleep in my own bed and i had nightmares every night that the house would alight

i used to have a bag packed, when the fire alarm went off i ran outside, covered my ears and cried until it stopped

a few years ago i accidentally set my hair alight on a candle and at that moment i thought i was going to die

for the first time in a nonsuicide way

but i had a second moment

this time in a suicide way

i was crying in the bathroom with the pills in my mouth

new cuts bleeding out

and i thought that was it

maybe that fuelled the fire

that burns inside

and the fear that i will die

that i'm not sure is a fear

but more a worry that i'll die and

never be able to explain the scars

the years of self harm

and the decade of sadness

that i've fought long enough to 

be alive

today 

change

i will never forgive myself

for giving myself 

the scars

that i used

to turn myself into a tiger

so i could try to

let out another

roar

when breathing feels impossible

sometimes
i wonder
if everything
will ever
get better

right now
i'm not
so sure
it can