i think about death alot
not in a suicide way
okay sometimes in a suicide way
but more of a i could die today way
a what if me leaving the house at this exact second is the reason i die today way
in a what if i leave the house and never return without saying goodbye way
in a i dont know when im going to die and that unknown scares me way
i like the idea that everyone gets one thing
one thing not being a trait about them but instead one instance where death was a very real option
for my mum and uncles it was when they were younger and their house caught on fire
everyone was fine, but if it wasnt for the family dog then both my uncles probably would have died
as a kid fire crippled me
i used to be unable to sleep in my own bed and i had nightmares every night that the house would alight
i used to have a bag packed, when the fire alarm went off i ran outside, covered my ears and cried until it stopped
a few years ago i accidentally set my hair alight on a candle and at that moment i thought i was going to die
for the first time in a nonsuicide way
but i had a second moment
this time in a suicide way
i was crying in the bathroom with the pills in my mouth
new cuts bleeding out
and i thought that was it
maybe that fuelled the fire
that burns inside
and the fear that i will die
that i'm not sure is a fear
but more a worry that i'll die and
never be able to explain the scars
the years of self harm
and the decade of sadness
that i've fought long enough to
be alive
today
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