i think i am still happy even though i know how it reached the end

 after 14 months i made myself finish bojack horseman

because i am barely getting through each day.

i hate knowing how my favourite things end

i usually hold onto them with dear life

but for this i finally needed to know

how it got here.

like them i wish i knew

the view from halfway down

i wish i could see where this bump in the road

was taking me towards.

i did not want bojack season 6 because i did 

not want a fictional horse to get better before i did

but in truth he did not get better

and neither did i

i think i find solace in knowing that

recovery is harder than it seems

but maybe this is for the best

because maybe now i can 

do the hokey pokey

and turn it all around. 

grasp

 

my friend has been with me every day for the last 15 years

on the days i cannot get out of bed they lay with me

they hold me close by

maybe not always peacefully but i always know they're there

there was something about the way they comforted me

by how they were always there

they felt like home to me

maybe not always happily but i always know they're there

i tell them they are holding me back but they still grab on tight

when we talk about healing they change the topic

they used to be everything to me

maybe not always comfortably, but i always know they're there

i am starting to think that we would be better off apart

so i can start to feel like my own person again

they won't leave me alone

maybe one day they will, but i always know they have been here

the night i tried to end my life

 

there was no soother sound 

than the wind on that saturday night

it was the wake of the end

and it helped me remember that

i am alive

closure

 

i finally took down the photo

with the person who assaulted me off my wall

and whilst i glad it wasn't more

i wish it hadn't happened at all

there is no hope

 

there has to be an easier way to do this

is there any other way to see the end

no other things have worked

hope has almost faded completely

the distance between my home and a hard place

 

the house at the beach was just so far away

but everything here was so peaceful

though the water didn't seem as far away

as you did

we came here when i was younger

the fireflies flew around a night

and everything felt like 

it as home

another body poem

 

i said to myself 

one bad thought doesn't make it a relapse 

but last time i said that to myself

it was.

i don't know

if i can ever get over this

seeing my body as nothing but an enemy

sometimes i have to remind myself that one meal sometimes is enough

if it has to be enough

if it's all i can do

unsettled asexuality

 

the intricacies of intimacy

a life of love was not made for me

home of a stranger

 

and i feel like a stranger in places that used to feel like home

raining

 

the bad days don't get easier

the sadness likes to stay

today it rained

tomorrow's forecast more

i wish the pain

would go away

platter

 

i pour my heart on a silver platter

my vulnerability is a dish served cold

there is nothing else i can say